Not Sure If It Was a Dream...

I went shopping on Black Friday at 2am. I was out til 8am and I swear to fucking god I can't say if I was completely out of it or not but I saw a girl whose arms resembled sticks... she was the SKINNIEST person i have ever seen in my life. Her legs looks like they couldn't hold her up. The jeans she wore were impossibly tiny. I couldn't look away but it was so painful to see... i wanted to vomit. it was like watching someone take a knife to their arm and try to saw it off. I got home at 9am and collapsed asleep, so my question is: was I dreaming or did I really see that girl? I know I have had some pretty scary and fucked up dreams in the past but this one takes the cake. Why? Because it could have been real.

I Can't Stand the Rain 'gainst My Window

Is anything in this world as real as it appears to be? My philosophy class is killing all of my assumptions and ability to believe that experience is how we come to find truth. How we come to find ourselves. Who am I then? I doubt I'm really in this world at all. It depresses me to think I'm working for nothing. It's like that whole safety net theory about god. believe because you might be wrong. If I did believe only to find out there were no gods I'd die in vain knowing I worked for nothing and spent my life dedicated to something false. Belief is not truth. What is truth if our own eyes and ears deceive us? There is no truth. There is only perception. We are unable to know it if we have never experienced it.

So where am I right now? Looking at my bright computer screen through my curly hair? Typing up a blog post? Listening to Missy Elliott?

Or am I a fucking brain in a jar? Being controlled by outside forces... forced to live and experience a world that does not truly exist.

Nothing makes sense anymore. What am I doing here? I don't know.

No Privacy

She walks into the bathroom closing the door and proceeds to undo her pants. Sitting on the toilet, she realizes that the wall only comes up to her neck and has a large viewing window revealing the goings-on of the room to her right. It has a large bed with two people who are making love in the dark. The boy is someone she loves but cannot be with. Though it doesn't feel at all humorous, as she tries to block her vision with a hand, the boy swings into the bathroom not a second later, fully clothed, apologizing. While she is still using the facilities. His mother, not a second later, walks in from the other door directly across from her and brushes her teeth at the sink. At this point, it's clear that none of this is real. Her privacy continues to be impeded upon as a plumber ambles in and leans over the bath tub on her left to fix a leaky faucet. The boy on her right is still apologizing but the words coming from his mouth are a jumbled mess of incoherence. She closes her eyes, completely suffocated by the endless talking and encroaching upon her alone-time, and wakes up in her blue bed.

Dreams. Make no sense. Like to make fun of me. Maybe they're still trying to cheer me up with humor? riiiiiiight.

Que mierda. So, I realized that this is the longest I have ever gone without having a boyfriend. Nearly seven months. The question is, is that an accomplishment or should I be letting my head fall against the keyboard in frustration?
I wanna say that I'm a strong enough young woman, that the feminist ideologies are true and I don't need a man to justify myself but that's not even the reason I feel frustrated. Because I don't need a man in my life to feel complete. What I need is some kind of companionship. Just people who I can love and talk to. It's not that it has anything to do with missing him but that I miss having the kind of relationship with a person where you can say anything and not feel uncomfortable around that person. Its funny that right before that dream, I had one about Tall Weird Blonde from camp. He was hot. Yes that is a main concern cause I passed up the chance to get laid xO He was really fucking weird and i will admit fun to hook up with AND even cool to talk to. AAAAACK nooo he lives in florida and never liked me the way I liked him. must accept this. blargh.
You know why I don't have a boyfriend? Cause I'm picky. Picky about looks. Picky about intelligence and personality and personal philosophy. That is a lot to be picky about.
SO maybe it's a good thing I'm single 7 months and counting. Means I won't have a repeat of Freshman year and fall for the guys who want me for sex. (Muhahahaha I'm so hot.) But there's more to me and I should wait for the guy who willing to see that in me.

In the meantime... wtf did that dream mean? I'm going to go look it up.