Fuck You: Long Reign the Bitch

Amy Winehouse is my fucking hero right now. GET OFF THEM DRUGS AND MAKE NEW MUSIC!!

Been watching a lot of random documentaries on Netflix as of late. In the Atheism section I don't recommend The God Who Wasn't There. THIS GUY's review is pretty much spot-on. Jesus Camp on the other hand... now that is some frightening shit. Very well done documentary on the rise of fundamentalist Christianity. Extremist anything scares the crap outta me. For fuck's sake, live and let live.

Non-documentary movies I've watched lately: The Switch and Inception.

The Switch is some overly corny chick flick. I went to go see it because a friend asked me too. There were SO MANY fap jokes they could have made. Only one popped up *sadface*. I guess the plotline is decent but moves really slowly and doesn't get too exciting. You spend most of it WAITING for the main character to tell this woman the truth about his drunkenly switching his sperm with another guy's.

Fuck. Do I really need to promote Inception any more? It was incredible. big f-you to a friend of mine who thought I wouldn't understand it. It's just a shit ton of dreams within dreams (within more dreams). Acting was great but I really would have been more excited if Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Ellen Page had a little more romance.

I've just finished all the past episodes of How I Met Your Mother :DDD Barney Stintson is obviousy everyone's favorite jackass. Can not wait for the new season of HIMYM and Big Bang Theory.

I got 5 days to get my shit together and move away so fuck feeling like shit. I spent a lot of time letting someone I don't even talk to or see make me feel shitty. Putty in his hands, manipulated I allowed myself to be but the bitch is back. My tears dry on their own, I don't need my life to be defined by someone else.

College in 13 Days

There are two weeks left before my mom and sister drive me up to Boston. I'm realizing more and more just how much I'm leaving behind in New York.

Despite how excited I am to be going some place new and meeting new people I'm still pretty terrified of saying goodbye. Life is going to be much different. For once, I get to live without my crazy mother and without allergy-ridden cats and without my crazy Catholic grandma. Never again will I have to fucking worry about my clothes being dress code appropriate. ibghlskdbrhrudsk TOTAL mindfuck. Let me tell you just how exciting that is: I am dying my hair blue and cutting it shorter. I am walking into each of my classes without covering up my piercings OR my tattoo. The very first day of classes will see me in short shorts, combat boots, and a tank top.

Boston is only like 4 hours away from the city so I'll be able to visit fairly often. Next weekend is shopping for dorm things and class things. I know I'll miss Manhattan, but I will love Boston too.

Open Letters to Different People

I'm really tired of all this waiting. Waiting for people I love to come home. Waiting to leave home and move on with my life. Drinking doesn't make it less painful, stupid television shows don't make it go faster, sleeping and napping don't make the time pass any quicker. I'm stuck in limbo. Limbo happens to be an empty apartment with empty walls and no one in it but me.

Love is a rotting sack of shit.

I miss you so much, but I can't tell you that. All I've been wanting is for you to call my phone and tell me you missed me too. How did I become this way? Terrified of letting someone know I care about them and even more terrified that they don't care and will leave me. Your ex was in one of my dreams. She and I were beating each other up. I knocked her down to her knees and she managed to say she was sorry for taking you from me. It occurred to me that I was doing exactly the same thing. The guilt of it is killing me.

Family secrets rot away at everyone.

I wish you had been around more when I was a kid. I know you were young, but you made me feel so unwanted. I can't believe that this is what it has come to. Only weeks before I move out of this house forever and all you do is fucking scream at me, go to baseball games, go out to bars. Fuck you. For thinking I would just suddenly start forgiving you after everything you put me through. Nothing has changed except that, now, I don't want you around. You can't live a single minute without turning everything into a dramatic issue. Stop making everything complicated. The last thing I need is more stress before making one of the biggest changes in my life.

Friendship breakups are just as painful.

You stopped eating with me at lunch. You stopped talking to me between classes. You even stopped making plans with me outside of school. I waited a year before deleting you from facebook. Why should I let you into my life if you don't even want to be there?

Optimism is naive but pessimism is depressing and unavoidable.

None of these people will ever read this and I don't care. At least it's on paper now instead of pounding at my brain.

Hangover at 7am

I stayed out with one of the grandest partyers I know - my sister. Needless to say, I got fucked up last night. You never want to be drunk on someone else's roof (or any roof for that matter). It's just extremely stupid. My throat is on fire after accidentally inhaling ash from a bowl. You can't do much right when you got beer in your tummy. My sister - the queen of getting home drunk without dying - dragged us home at 2am and I fell asleep on her couch still 5.

Left after waking up and started on making my anti-hangover breakfast. Behold:

-Raspberry tea

-Orange juice

-Tofu w/ soy sauce

-Scrambled eggs

I think health binging for a while wouldn't be a bad idea. Back to my tofu.

29 Days Left Before Boston

I've been waiting for my housing info to get here since orientation back in June. Finally came on tuesday and it turns out I'm in a quad :D

That means theres four of us which worries me that I might be bringing too much to the dorm. I don't own a lot of crap but I made a pretty complete list of what needs to come with me (minus the computer and bag because those are obvious).

MOVING LIST:

• Clothes from dresser & closet-thing
• Jackets/coats
• Office supplies from desk
• Playstation & video games
• Boots/shoes
• Movies
• Tiny TV
• Hairdryer/brush
• Jewelry (by which I mean earrings...I don't wear jewelry)
• iHome
• Lamps
• Green rolling drawers
• GLASSES
• Silly decorating things
• The Sims2 & StarCraft
• Tea & honey
• Toiletries
• Bed sheets
• Pillows
• Egg crate
• The huge supply of looseleaf paper I have
• Notebooks
• Pictures
• COFFEE.
• 'FUCK YEAH!' sign I made
• Wall stickies
• Bulletin board
• Lucky wisdom tooth
• Sketchbook
• Easel/paints/brushes
• Landry basket

...I hope it all fits in my corner of the room.

Also: where the hell did this shit come from??

The waiting is feeling like years. I'm planning to take a road trip to Montreal with a friend of mine who *actually* drives and has a license. I'll just apply for mine when I get to Boston. Anywho, the drinking age in Montreal happens to be 18 so of course like a good catholic girl I shall protect my innocence I'm gonna party it up and check out the bars. My best guy friend will be there to babysit my lightweight ass.

I have more to say... but I forgot what it was so adios for now.

Curiosity Killed the Bitch

It's been months since I've felt like writing on my blog. A lot has changed in these few months. People I thought were my friends or could be my friends are almost gone from my social circle. Things that, a year ago, I never would have considered doing I did this summer. Like hooking up with an ex who simultaneously happens to be the only person I was ever in love with / scumbag who chose to spend his last year before college with someone else.

It boggles my mind when people think they know what they want out of life when they're just as fucking confused as you are. They go for it with such fervor that they've almost got you believing too; but the more they try to convince you that it IS really what they want the more you see that they don't know shit. This guy told me he was still in love with me, something I knew he was thinking about way back in February. So then why didn't he give me more time than the other person he was dating? Oh? A part of him will always love her too. So, I'm a back-up? Why should I waste my mental and emotional energy on a person who kept me in second? You can't have your cake and eat it too.
He even tried to tell me that he conquered some of his commitment issues by staying with this girl for an entire year. That isn't commitment; not if you know exactly when it will end. He knew they were going to break up before camp, before college. To double the commitment-fail here: he waited until the time he had left with me, the relationship he ran away from because it was too serious, became so little that he knew he wouldn't have to nor would he be able to commit to anything once he admitted that he was still in love with me. Absolutely no strings attached!

Another thing I did that I have never done before: I cheated on a boyfriend. Fuck. I don't cheat. I just don't. It isn't right. If you really would rather be with one person over another, break off the existing relationship. AND if you feel like being with both at once then don't be a douche. Be honest and it has the possibility of blowing up in your face or be a dirty liar and it absolutely WILL blow up in your face.
A person who pressures you to cheat on the girl/guy you're dating at the moment in order to hookup with them is a pretty low piece of shit.

All of these things rack up quite a few negative points.

So why do I still have feelings for this person? fml

There is more I want to say about people who choose to end friendships without having a reason but I'll save that for another post.