I Am

So I'm feeling down. Both of the guys I have dated (and completely fell for) in the past now have girlfriends and I'm single. Single, lonely, boring.
I wrote a poem. I still feel shitty. I watch some Lady Gaga. and I'm struck by something.

an idea.

that I can recreate myself.

that I don't have to be the lonely loser.

that If I really wanted to I could be someone who isn't me.

dress differently. wear makeup all the time.

If other people believe that I'm someone different...
does that mean that I am?

I Am

I'm ugly
I'm a loser
I have no sense of fashion
I have no talent
I'm not interesting
I'm boring
I have acne
I have poofy hair
I have no life
I have few friends
I have nothing
I'm only as good as other people think i am
I think this way
because I'm a loser
because I'm ugly
because I have no sense of fashion...

Not Sure If It Was a Dream...

I went shopping on Black Friday at 2am. I was out til 8am and I swear to fucking god I can't say if I was completely out of it or not but I saw a girl whose arms resembled sticks... she was the SKINNIEST person i have ever seen in my life. Her legs looks like they couldn't hold her up. The jeans she wore were impossibly tiny. I couldn't look away but it was so painful to see... i wanted to vomit. it was like watching someone take a knife to their arm and try to saw it off. I got home at 9am and collapsed asleep, so my question is: was I dreaming or did I really see that girl? I know I have had some pretty scary and fucked up dreams in the past but this one takes the cake. Why? Because it could have been real.

I Can't Stand the Rain 'gainst My Window

Is anything in this world as real as it appears to be? My philosophy class is killing all of my assumptions and ability to believe that experience is how we come to find truth. How we come to find ourselves. Who am I then? I doubt I'm really in this world at all. It depresses me to think I'm working for nothing. It's like that whole safety net theory about god. believe because you might be wrong. If I did believe only to find out there were no gods I'd die in vain knowing I worked for nothing and spent my life dedicated to something false. Belief is not truth. What is truth if our own eyes and ears deceive us? There is no truth. There is only perception. We are unable to know it if we have never experienced it.

So where am I right now? Looking at my bright computer screen through my curly hair? Typing up a blog post? Listening to Missy Elliott?

Or am I a fucking brain in a jar? Being controlled by outside forces... forced to live and experience a world that does not truly exist.

Nothing makes sense anymore. What am I doing here? I don't know.

No Privacy

She walks into the bathroom closing the door and proceeds to undo her pants. Sitting on the toilet, she realizes that the wall only comes up to her neck and has a large viewing window revealing the goings-on of the room to her right. It has a large bed with two people who are making love in the dark. The boy is someone she loves but cannot be with. Though it doesn't feel at all humorous, as she tries to block her vision with a hand, the boy swings into the bathroom not a second later, fully clothed, apologizing. While she is still using the facilities. His mother, not a second later, walks in from the other door directly across from her and brushes her teeth at the sink. At this point, it's clear that none of this is real. Her privacy continues to be impeded upon as a plumber ambles in and leans over the bath tub on her left to fix a leaky faucet. The boy on her right is still apologizing but the words coming from his mouth are a jumbled mess of incoherence. She closes her eyes, completely suffocated by the endless talking and encroaching upon her alone-time, and wakes up in her blue bed.

Dreams. Make no sense. Like to make fun of me. Maybe they're still trying to cheer me up with humor? riiiiiiight.

Que mierda. So, I realized that this is the longest I have ever gone without having a boyfriend. Nearly seven months. The question is, is that an accomplishment or should I be letting my head fall against the keyboard in frustration?
I wanna say that I'm a strong enough young woman, that the feminist ideologies are true and I don't need a man to justify myself but that's not even the reason I feel frustrated. Because I don't need a man in my life to feel complete. What I need is some kind of companionship. Just people who I can love and talk to. It's not that it has anything to do with missing him but that I miss having the kind of relationship with a person where you can say anything and not feel uncomfortable around that person. Its funny that right before that dream, I had one about Tall Weird Blonde from camp. He was hot. Yes that is a main concern cause I passed up the chance to get laid xO He was really fucking weird and i will admit fun to hook up with AND even cool to talk to. AAAAACK nooo he lives in florida and never liked me the way I liked him. must accept this. blargh.
You know why I don't have a boyfriend? Cause I'm picky. Picky about looks. Picky about intelligence and personality and personal philosophy. That is a lot to be picky about.
SO maybe it's a good thing I'm single 7 months and counting. Means I won't have a repeat of Freshman year and fall for the guys who want me for sex. (Muhahahaha I'm so hot.) But there's more to me and I should wait for the guy who willing to see that in me.

In the meantime... wtf did that dream mean? I'm going to go look it up.

How do I Finish Boring Papers?

lots and lots of porn.

Why The Fundamentalists Don't Like Us: We Get Porn, And They Don't

This guy's blog doesn't like us because we love porn and hate religion. Jealous much? Well see, the truth of the matter is that sexual attraction to images or to words describing sexual imagery is PERFECTLY NATURAL. Science tells us that evolution has made our brains enjoy sex so much because it leads (without a condom) to procreation. So why does religion feel the need to suppress what nature has installed into our brains? I honestly want to know the answer to this. Even my best friend who's a Catholic doesn't believe porn and masturbation are wrong. for the love of all things holy, can we sack these fundamentalist nutbags?

The last paragraph on his blog is what really irks me.
LACKING MORALITY?

- I go to Catholic school and have since kindergarten. Now of course they teach us social justice and morality according to the Bible. We hit high school and just about every kid in my grade claims they are good people because they are Christians. Then they go around talking about everyone behind their backs, drawing penises and taping them to the wall, cheating on their girlfriends, and then acting like jerks in class by calling out shit like penis. (c'mon, are we all ten?)
But apparently the fact that I refuse to act that way doesn't discourage them from telling me I'm a satanist for not believing in God.
They ask me, so what do you believe in?
I believe in love and be good to other people. Do as you please, just don't hurt me or other people around you. (unless they're turned on by it 0.o)
But I'm still evil because I don't believe in magic and don't believe God's going to help you with anything(cause he doesn't exist). In fact, the reason why we have to work to make our communites, minds, lives, and the lives of those around us better is because he does not exist. No god will do anything to take suffering away, we have to do it ourselves. Solidarity my friend, Solidarity.

We don't intrinsically as human beings have the ability to come to a conclusion about what is right and what is wrong? We don't need a book to tell us not to steal and murder and rape. If you do, there is something really fucked up with you.

Thank you, Paster Tom, for giving me something to write about today! :D

weird-ass fucking dream

In my dream last night, I was Tara from True Blood. I was sitting inside one of those two people airplanes when all of a sudden some bitch grabs me by the collar and throws me out of it. She climbs into my seat and the little glass cover goes over them. As they're taking off I grab the plane and stick one foot into the hole where the wheels at the bottom go in (somehow it seems I believe that will keep me on a moving airplane at 5,000 feet)

SO! here I am with my foot stuck in an airplane when out of nowhere I just HAPPEN to have a gun and I manage to say something about saving my kid or "bitch, you aint gonna get away with this" and shoot the window. I fall so that I'm trailing behind the plane by my foot. Next to me there's a cloth hanging out the wheel hole so I grab onto that and it also keeps me on the plane. I'm just thinking, "this is real life this time not a dream I could actually get hurt."

The guy who's flying the plane decides it might be a good time to land. Now this part I don't remember, I don't remember how I got back to the ground, but it made sense to my unconscious mind. Suddenly I'm myself and not Tara anymore. The pilot walks around to the back of the plane and I make a joke about how he's going there to get my luggage. He rolls his eyes at me and I wake up thus making me realize that it was just a dream.

Still Don't Know

There's no such thing as love
Not anymore
I can't feel it

But hate
It grows so strong inside of me
Boiling until it bursts

Releasing itself
Like a bomb went off inside my head
Obliterating everything in sight

Until nothing is left
No feeling
So I must be dead

Just lying here
In nothingness
The room turns white

The walls are white
The floors are white
the walls are all white

Blank stare on my face
Walk towards my only door out

It's so tiny
I don't know how to fit through

Tug the handle
Jiggle it a little
Push and Shove but nothing moves
Desperately banging into the door

I'm growing smaller
and smaller

As I throw my whole body into it
and come hurling through

The Struggle to get out
Finally over

But I'm awake in my bed
Cold and alone
And I still don't know
What's on the other side

unfinished poem

Never gonna find my way
Just feels like
I'm never gonna find my way
I've been searching all over
but nothing seems to come my way

I've been waiting and I'm tired
Still looking for you
Among the flowers
Some are dead and some are dying
Others already plucked from the ground

Plenty of weeds

are blocking my pathway

Don't have to worry about them anyway

I'm never gonna find my way

Look up at the skies with the sun so bright

Gives each these flowers

plenty of light

Note On Art & Being An Artist

Does an artist need conflict in order to create? Do we need the world around us to collapse in order to rebuild? Do we need to starve in order to fully give ourselves? After a while, there isn't much left to give.

Artists like Marilyn Manson, Eminem, and even Good Charlotte got boring after they stopped doing drugs, felt better about themselves, or just got rich. The problems they sang about went away. Is that why we're so much less impressed?

The point of making music is to better understand ourselves so we can change. Once we've gotten perspective on life, we do change. We grow above it, mature beyond it. Sometimes it may mean not needing that artistic outlet anymore. We've found other ways to express ourselves.

Those of us who don't, end up on shows like celebrity rehab.
Those of us who were never famous or rich, end up in the gutter.

Sometimes, art really fails to make sense to me.

attack me

and down they fall
the walls
all around you

the things you said
were true after all
you were right
I'm damned to the hell
I created for myself

pick myself up off the ground
redeem my soul
all the things I lost in myself
I destroyed myself
when I lost you

when did I let things get that bad?
when did I let my defenses
become so weak?
I asked for this.
it got spat back in my face

lonely is
when your only subject

is yourself.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

I'm staying up until 3am to finish a spanish project, taking this break to write a blog.

As of late, I have been reading Xena fanfics and watching all the good episodes ( skipping over the w.e ones) from start to finish. I never saw when I was younger how the series ended so I looked it up online and wanted to die. The ending (i won't give it away) is depressing and wrong.

It made remember my own crappy life. The loneliness I've pushed to the very back of my mind. So far buried and so desperate to fill it at the same time. I'm lonely. Always. There are billions of people living in the world today. Over 9 million of them live crammed up in New York and yet I still feel completely, utterly alone.

I'm coping with it the way I always have in the past: fanfiction and obsession. I always think if I can find something else to capture my attention then my life will feel as though it has purpose. As though it isn't empty because I have these stories to listen to, places and times to escape to. A fantasy world. I'm a bit of a loser that way.

I don't want to be here. Not now. I want to be somewhere else. These stories take me there.

No Going Back

I realized that at this point, there's no going back from where i am with my beliefs. Once you've obtained knowledge about something it can't be unlearned. I've been watching these videos about creationism and Christianity all these things backed up by scientific reasoning, most of which I don't understand because well I don't remember biology that clearly. I always manage to find more reasons against the existence of a god than for the existence of one and the reasons I do get to try to prove it have holes in them.

I don't wish I believed. I guess I understand more clearly the idea that ignorance is bliss and that with great power comes great responsibility.
If I never bothered to learn about things, I could easily attribute problems in our world to not enough people worshiping a certain god. I could easily say that a person inflicted with a certain disease was being punished for immoral behavior. But we all know that disease comes from bacteria and viruses and whatnot.

I can't be knowledgeable without admitting a failure to act.

It's kinda scary.

movement

I looked around my old room and realized that i still had michael's flowers and valentine card. So I took the opportunity to trash the roses and rip up the card. I almost cried when I did it.

Break ups are hard. Especially if you dated a person for a year. I know now as I think about it that me and him aren't meant to be, and I can accept that. It doesn't make me any less upset about things. It doesn't make it any easier. It hurts some times more than others. I go up and down with my emotions over it. I'm not crying anymore. But, It's hard. I deleted him as a friend and unsubscribed from his videos even if they are hilarious. I can't handle seeing him or being around him. I told him we couldn't be friends, it wasn't out of spite. I just can't handle it.

So, I'm hoping I'll find some other boy to be with and until then I think I'm going to take this opportunity to explore things. I've always been in serious(ly stupid) relationships and I'm sick of them. Fooling around doesn't sound like a bad idea.

weird science

so lately my physics teacher has been acting like a nutcase.
more so than usual. its the popularly accepted opinion that the man is on crack.
he spent our double period talking in circles about nothing relating to physics. he talked about a scientist who discovered light reflection - nothing about light reflection - and how he claimed to be a virgin til death. then he went on to say that the bible was absolute truth above all things. My friend told me he even asked her if he could use the restroom.
He was complaining about Mr. Josephs. Apparently Mr. Dooher's curriculum or w.e was way too long to get til the end of the school year. ha.
rumors are that his madness is because he's going to be fired soon (because he doesn't give tests and also doesn't give hw)

Good riddens I say.

I need to find someone who's boss at guitar who can help me write my songs.
I was slightly insulted the other day when Michael asked me what the hell i would be recording in a studio. So I can't do anything but lyrics and vocals. That doesn't make me any less of a musician and he gets minus bf points for saying that. I was kind of stuck on the knowledge that we probably won't be together forever but I know to think that we would be is just stupid. But then I make lists in my head of things that michael doesn't have that i would look for in someone else. Having him as my bf is a challenge because of his ego and my own ego. I feel like I keep my mouth shut too often. Not very often but i do sometimes.

I'm not going to dwell on it though. I'm just going to live in the moment.

Take Me Off Your List (imagine with piano solos in between verses and heavy guitars during)

I’m not just trying to convince you

To see things my way

I’m just trying to show you

That there’s something wrong with your way

The world's not such a lovely place

when you look from on high

but nothing's gonna change

if you sit there and stare

If you think that this is over

You’ve got another thing coming

If you think this can still go on

Take me off your list right now

The world's not such a lovely place

when you look from on high

but nothing's gonna change

if you sit there and stare

(this be the bridge)

You can launch me - up

And I will move far

past all the things you see

and I can know for sure

that you'll ne-ver catch me

(verse)

(chorus)

Writing and Books

I've been reading (not really) Dracula for english class and it got me back into finishing the anne rice novels. Reading them has in turn inspired new stories for me to write. I really want to start a story thats ORIGINAL and finsish it.

I'm done with my fanfics (hah! as if i could do that) and I think I want to write a vampire novel. What a surprise that Kay would want to write about vampys.
I just find so much about them interesting and I don't just mean the lore, the meaning behind it all and philosophy about life.

Anne Rice, I would have more respect for her if she remained an atheist, but I respect her decision. Theres a lovely mystery and magical feeling to believing in all this gothic catholicism. Its dark and in a strange way really deep.

I love cathedrals and I love gothic themed... anything. Theres something about making the innocent evil that makes you think. The dichotomy is beautiful. Nothing looks on the inside the way it does outside.

I wonder who reads this, besides my jojo. My last entry was veyr moody and emotional. Pms took over my life for four days. Never been that bad before.

1,2,3,4 (song)

I think I fell asleep
In the corner of my imagination
There isnt a lot left to se in there
Dust keeps filling me up with nothing

I'm lonely
(1,2,3,4... 1,2,3,4)
I'm lonely
And I'm driving myself crazy

Boys and girls fight and steal
Emotions mean nothing
As long as you are here
Just fill me up

Just fill me up
(just fill me up)
Just fill me up

Without another word
I'll take your hand and we can run away
To that place that we call home
Not another word
Don't even have to say my name
We can bring ourselves home

Just fill me up
(just fill me up)
Just fill me up

I'm lonely
(1,2,3,4... 1,2,3,4)
I'm lonely
And I'm driving myself crazy

I heard the Lord said "Bow
down before my grave before you move on now"
He spoke so harshly to me
The girl with the ugly face
Why should I break my knee
Just cause we're not all in a happy place?

There's nothing more to tell

I'm lonely
(1,2,3,4... 1,2,3,4)
I'm lonely
(1,2,3,4... 1,2,3,4)
I'm lonely