A few months or weeks ago I had two very frightening dreams. I talked to a really good friend about them and this is what she told me:
The first dream was a mock christian charity fund commercial. Little children were lying unconscious on beds while mothers used knives to slice out the diseased parts of their skin. I woke up crying and for the longest time had trouble falling asleep without anxiety about the next fucked up thing my brain would come up with. My friend told me that I was the child and that I was afraid of people cutting out parts of me that they thought of as bad or infected such as parts of my personality or beliefs.
Another dream I had was about a super thin girl in the mall... i wrote a post about it here. My friend told me that I was imagining myself as the girl and that I was afraid of destroying myself in some way because I have every ability to do so. Even if I consciously know that I won't do anything self-destructive I will still have this lingering fear that curiosity or insanity (or depression) will get the best of me.
This theme continued today in my sleep-deprived day-dream(nightmare) where I was as thin as I am now but felt like I weighed a ton as I dragged myself across the floor trying to reach a door. That one was obvious, to me at least.
I understand these dreams now; I'm scared of holding myself back. I AM holding myself back and I AM destroying myself by not sleeping, by allowing my insecurities to keep me from getting school work done and getting into college. I need to work through my shitty problems, get over them, and move forward. It shouldn't be hard but it is.
