Open Letters to Different People

I'm really tired of all this waiting. Waiting for people I love to come home. Waiting to leave home and move on with my life. Drinking doesn't make it less painful, stupid television shows don't make it go faster, sleeping and napping don't make the time pass any quicker. I'm stuck in limbo. Limbo happens to be an empty apartment with empty walls and no one in it but me.

Love is a rotting sack of shit.

I miss you so much, but I can't tell you that. All I've been wanting is for you to call my phone and tell me you missed me too. How did I become this way? Terrified of letting someone know I care about them and even more terrified that they don't care and will leave me. Your ex was in one of my dreams. She and I were beating each other up. I knocked her down to her knees and she managed to say she was sorry for taking you from me. It occurred to me that I was doing exactly the same thing. The guilt of it is killing me.

Family secrets rot away at everyone.

I wish you had been around more when I was a kid. I know you were young, but you made me feel so unwanted. I can't believe that this is what it has come to. Only weeks before I move out of this house forever and all you do is fucking scream at me, go to baseball games, go out to bars. Fuck you. For thinking I would just suddenly start forgiving you after everything you put me through. Nothing has changed except that, now, I don't want you around. You can't live a single minute without turning everything into a dramatic issue. Stop making everything complicated. The last thing I need is more stress before making one of the biggest changes in my life.

Friendship breakups are just as painful.

You stopped eating with me at lunch. You stopped talking to me between classes. You even stopped making plans with me outside of school. I waited a year before deleting you from facebook. Why should I let you into my life if you don't even want to be there?

Optimism is naive but pessimism is depressing and unavoidable.

None of these people will ever read this and I don't care. At least it's on paper now instead of pounding at my brain.