attack me

and down they fall
the walls
all around you

the things you said
were true after all
you were right
I'm damned to the hell
I created for myself

pick myself up off the ground
redeem my soul
all the things I lost in myself
I destroyed myself
when I lost you

when did I let things get that bad?
when did I let my defenses
become so weak?
I asked for this.
it got spat back in my face

lonely is
when your only subject

is yourself.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

I'm staying up until 3am to finish a spanish project, taking this break to write a blog.

As of late, I have been reading Xena fanfics and watching all the good episodes ( skipping over the w.e ones) from start to finish. I never saw when I was younger how the series ended so I looked it up online and wanted to die. The ending (i won't give it away) is depressing and wrong.

It made remember my own crappy life. The loneliness I've pushed to the very back of my mind. So far buried and so desperate to fill it at the same time. I'm lonely. Always. There are billions of people living in the world today. Over 9 million of them live crammed up in New York and yet I still feel completely, utterly alone.

I'm coping with it the way I always have in the past: fanfiction and obsession. I always think if I can find something else to capture my attention then my life will feel as though it has purpose. As though it isn't empty because I have these stories to listen to, places and times to escape to. A fantasy world. I'm a bit of a loser that way.

I don't want to be here. Not now. I want to be somewhere else. These stories take me there.

No Going Back

I realized that at this point, there's no going back from where i am with my beliefs. Once you've obtained knowledge about something it can't be unlearned. I've been watching these videos about creationism and Christianity all these things backed up by scientific reasoning, most of which I don't understand because well I don't remember biology that clearly. I always manage to find more reasons against the existence of a god than for the existence of one and the reasons I do get to try to prove it have holes in them.

I don't wish I believed. I guess I understand more clearly the idea that ignorance is bliss and that with great power comes great responsibility.
If I never bothered to learn about things, I could easily attribute problems in our world to not enough people worshiping a certain god. I could easily say that a person inflicted with a certain disease was being punished for immoral behavior. But we all know that disease comes from bacteria and viruses and whatnot.

I can't be knowledgeable without admitting a failure to act.

It's kinda scary.

movement

I looked around my old room and realized that i still had michael's flowers and valentine card. So I took the opportunity to trash the roses and rip up the card. I almost cried when I did it.

Break ups are hard. Especially if you dated a person for a year. I know now as I think about it that me and him aren't meant to be, and I can accept that. It doesn't make me any less upset about things. It doesn't make it any easier. It hurts some times more than others. I go up and down with my emotions over it. I'm not crying anymore. But, It's hard. I deleted him as a friend and unsubscribed from his videos even if they are hilarious. I can't handle seeing him or being around him. I told him we couldn't be friends, it wasn't out of spite. I just can't handle it.

So, I'm hoping I'll find some other boy to be with and until then I think I'm going to take this opportunity to explore things. I've always been in serious(ly stupid) relationships and I'm sick of them. Fooling around doesn't sound like a bad idea.